I have searched and used so many adjectives and verbs and nouns in both past and present tense on you. I looked up in the dictionary for synonyms on contentment, intimate, and wonderful. But my lexicon is limited so it took me a while to get the flow right but I think I did justice on your description:
You seeped in every niche of my being. You melodically attached yourself to my every thought. you spoke of plans for the future with such oomph and resolution I could practically feel our future nipping on my heels and fingers. You made me love you as if you were an extra limb in my body. But I never thought you would unravel yourself from my veins and absorb all my emotions like paper towel sippng an accidental spill on the counter. Yes bae, I loved you more than I have planned.
Intimacy is not who you let touch your genitalia and all your other sensitive parts. Intimacy is who you text at 1am about your dreams and fears. Intimacy is giving someone your complete attention without any inhibitions, when twenty other people are asking for it. Intimacy is the person always in the back of your mind, no matter how distracted and preoccupied you are. It is when you share all you aspirations and goals in life even though it’s way too impossible or fictional. Real Intimacy is when you open up the whole you to that person - thoughts and feelings, making you feel that tingling sensation without having physical connection.
Ours is like ice cream and cigarettes kind of love — melting and burning.
Coz it is only when sucrose mixes with my blood and the smoke mixes with your breath that I am completely satisfied.
The truth is I miss the comfort of my soft bed and the sound of the spinning pink fan in my room back home. I used to enjoy staying up late at night, just reading some pure fiction or some self loathing romance. Or maybe just staring above my plain and boring ceiling, listening to some crappy and poignant yet can be soothing songs from Ed Sheeran and The Script.
I miss Frodo - my big fluffy teddy bear, a gift from my best friend which I love to smell and hug. I miss the huge closet I used to have, the neatly hanged and folded clothes.
I miss our mini library, the dusty piled books and sorted papers. I even miss my shoe boxes above my closet, where all sorts of secrets and precious memoirs were mostly hidden.
Now I sleep in a bed bunk, in a fully air-conditioned room, in a flat where all sorts of people from different race canter around the hallway. I still sleep late at night, usually after 1am and I feel tired, very tired the next morning since I have to get up at 6 in the morning to report to my job. I usually listen to music, but recently I’m into The Civil Wars - hefty inside but bearable for me.
I don’t have any teddy bear with me here to cuddle, I only have these three layered comforter to keep me warm all night. Cold, thats exactly what I feel - Externally and Internally.
I don’t read myself to sleep anymore, I actually don’t have the spare time. And also because I don’t really feel like reading in this kind of environment.
I also don’t have my huge wooden closet here anymore, only these plastic drawers where my crumpled and un-ironed clothes were pushed and tucked, since I got so many clothes they all ended up rumpled and jumbled.
I also don’t have shoe boxes here, they were all trashed. I only have my luggage bag to keep some of my stashed secrets I have brought in here.
I miss my precious place.
I miss my simple yet elegant surrounding I used to have back home.
I miss my fortress so much.
I miss my home.
When I think of you and me and what we shared, I know it would be easy for others to dismiss our time we had back there together as simply a by-product of the days and nights we spent by just hanging out in a friend’s house, just a simple fling or infatuation that, in the long run, would mean absolutely nothing and randomly plain. That is why I don’t tell them about us. They wouldn’t understand after all, and I don’t feel the need to explain, simply because I know in my heart how real it was… how real this is. And I am at ease knowing you feel the same way or maybe even more. Funny, because when I think of you I cant help smiling, knowing that you’ve completed me somehow. I can’t just explain how but you did. I love you, not just for now, but for always, and I dream of the day that you’ll take me in your arms again. Because baby you are so worth every mile between us right now. <3
You held my hand and I pinched you hard. You touched my back and I just lose my track. You leaned your head into mine, and I leaned my head into yours. We were moving a little more closer and I can very well feel your breath on my face. Swaying slowly, eyes closed, heartbeat’s fast, a melodic sound around us. It lasted like the length of an old vinyl song, and then we stopped, look into each other’s eyes, kissed, and my heart stayed there just like that. Just like that.
These past few months have been…..for lack of a better word, pressuring. The majority of my upbringing circulated around this specific notion that after graduating from a praiseworthy university, you’re left with a huge task of following a blueprint path towards your future. That after receiving a degree, you are opted to have a job focused on after spending hours of studying in the library, doing all sorts of homework and learn all the things which we all believed will lead us to more opportunities in the future for higher wages and potential power positions, which then of course equates to stability and security, which would also mean it’s time to find a life long partner from a similar background and lifestyle with yours. And together, create a cookie cutter family in a well furnished home with picket fences and a playground at the back in a nice and crime free neighborhood to raise and teach your kids all that you learned since your early elementary years, when Mrs. Whatever-her-name-was told the class they could be anything they wanted to be.
But I do think she’s wrong, it wasn’t about what you liked to do and what you wanted to be, it was actually about what would make living easier - what would pay the bills, what would be deemed socially acceptable, what would provide sweet stable predictability to you and your family.
I think the majority of dreams and aspirations never make it to existence. In an ideal world, all of our interests and passions aren’t really achieved. My parents used to remind me then the importance of taking advantage of higher education (thats why they enrolled me on that prestigious and highly expensive school), because they said that this life is all about struggles, battles, challenges, material goods, and those that are weak and cannot make it past the cut of above average, falter.
Gaah life, blah blah. Too conventional. Guess I just have to do what I have to do right? I have to work hard not to be contented but to be financially sustained.
I wanna kiss you on a dark corner of a city street directly under the yellow pool of street lamps and city lights.
I want to loop my pinky finger with yours while standing on a crowded subway.
I want to wink at you and flash my genuine smile from across a crowded room when I see you looking for me.
I want to read books in bed with my right leg wrapped around your thighs.
I want to watch a Sci-Fi or some mind boggling movies with you in a couch, eating popcorn and drinking vodka.
I want to debate the best and worst part of that movie. And you’d surrender and kiss me when I’m starting to get pissed.
I want to miss you when you’re gone and think about you when I wake up in the morning. But then I’d look at the side table and find a single flower with your note.
I want to have faith in you, to me, and to us. That despite of all our mistakes in the past, those can never affect us.
And I want to be your only girl, your mate, and your partner, forever.
I still remember the kisses
our raw lips with love and passion
Your mere touch
that sent shivers throughout my body
and how your scent flowed into my system.
And I still remember
how you interlock your legs in me
your arms wrapped around me
those tiny flowing currents
were consuming me.
and the warmth of you,
everything is just so powerful.
So damn addicting.
Drinking is somewhat like a suicidal thing, it joggles you out from your own body and mind then you’re allowed to return to life the next day. It’s like killing yourself momentarily then reborn again. Geez if thats so, I guess I’ve lived about five or seven thousand lives now.
The truth is I’m scared before, and I’m still scared now. I’m on to a new flight, a new destination, new environment, new people, a new course of life and I’d be damned if I say I ain’t scared at all. Because the truth is I’m not just scared,- I’m terrified.
For right now I’m like a plain canvas or this blank virtual piece of paper that just calls out to be filled. I am scared that any stroke I make might never do justice to that spotless white piece of canvas.
There will always be someone out there who is better than me. Someone who is a better writer, a better photographer, a better employee, a better partner, a better woman. Its like I’m on top of a mountain and the landscape is so vast like the things I have to do and accomplished in my life.
I’m standing on the edge of a high cliff and all the things below me are begging me to jump. But God knows I’m afraid of heights. Just as scared as I am of these things laid upon me.
I know my childhood years are up and I’m aging, thus I don’t have all the time in the world to be scared. That’s my problem in my life at the moment. The people around me are pressuring me, to do this, to do that, to have these and those, but I don’t even know how and where to start.
I just want to travel, I want to write, I want to take more photographs, I want to venture across the globe and the oceans, and I want to fall deeply in love. Yes, I want that fulfilling life, I mean who doesn’t right?
But then again the thing is I’m scared, so scared. Like I’m walking on a tightrope between two mountains, without any net to catch me and a harness to hold me.
So I learned a lot of things today.
I’m not just falling in love with you. I’m falling into you. You’re an ocean, and I’m falling in, drowning in the depths of who you are. Like you said, it’s scary in a way, but it’s also the most amazing thing I’ve ever experienced. You are the most amazing thing I’ve ever experienced.
I once asked a boy,
“Why do you love me? Why me?”
He chuckled, smiled, then looked at me squinting.
"I love you because I am me when I’m with you.
And those scars you said? That made you real.
You kept on saying you’re messed up.
But you actually made a beautiful mess out of them.
I love you because you are like no one else.
You’re exceptional, scarred but still perfectly beautiful”.
I smiled, I didn’t bother asking whether it was real or not.
I just moved closer to him and rest my head on his shoulder. :)